About a million years ago, I was hired to build a new leadership development program. I had built a large-scale program in another part of the business, and a senior leader recommended me for this new role. I was excited to use my vision and best skills to solve an important challenge: preparing our best leaders for the next level.
But when it was time to start building, I realized there was a LOT I didn’t know. Despite my experience, I didn’t understand the challenges for this level of leader, the business dynamics, or how to tailor leadership lessons for engineers and developers. With only six months to launch, I faced a crisis of confidence. I was used to knowing my audience, the material, everything. Suddenly, I was sure I was going to fail.
I was lucky to have someone around me who helped me to see that the challenge I was facing didn’t have to be so painful - instead, it could be interesting, engaging, and rewarding. The difference would be in how I thought about it, and more importantly, how I saw myself in response to the challenge.
I was talking with one of my closest collaborators about this, and they said “Oh, yeah…Our hardships and challenges aren’t what becomes good - it’s how we respond to these experiences, how we find support, and how we grow. WE are the goodness that comes out of difficult leadership situations.” (Jen Self always has a brilliant way of seeing things - check them out!)
So…how do we set ourselves up to learn from challenges and hard experiences? Read on for more!
The Confidence Conundrum
We know that minority stress can affect our self-concept and sow seeds of doubt in ourselves as leaders. Many of us are constantly working to heal internalized messages of not being enough, being too much, or simply not belonging. These messages can lead us to believe mistakenly:
- Not having the answer is a personal failing.
- Lacking a specific skill means we’re incapable as leaders.
- Poor treatment from others is somehow our fault, or worse, deserved.
The truth? Sometimes, we’re in a particularly toxic environment (like…beyond the baseline toxicity of capitalism), but often, we’re simply in a crucible—a place of intense challenge that can forge us into stronger, more resilient leaders.
What is a Crucible?
A crucible is a laboratory container used to heat substances to high temperatures. The process often transforms these substances, breaking them down and allowing their essential properties to emerge.
🔬Science! Or is it ⚗️alchemy? Maybe both!
In a metaphorical sense, a crucible experience is a test or trial that pushes us out of our comfort zone. It’s a transformative moment that can reveal our core strengths and lead to significant personal and leadership growth. These experiences test our adaptability, lead us to adopt new skills, and ultimately make us more effective leaders.
Photo from The Gender Spectrum Collection
Is It the Crucible or a Toxic Environment?
Okay, HARD PAUSE. Before we talk about strategies for learning from our challenges, we MUST differentiate between a growth-inducing crucible and a harmful situation.
Signs of a Toxic Environment (get OUT, babe!):
- You experience persistent negativity or hostility.
- There’s a lack of support, and you feel isolated.
- Your mental and emotional health is deteriorating due to the situation.
Signs of a Crucible Experience (this is a challenge that’s setting you up for growth):
- You’re challenged in ways that push you out of your comfort zone.
- You have support and resources, even if the situation is tough.
- You feel a sense of purpose and see potential for growth.
Also…let’s remember that binaries aren’t real. You might be in a toxic environment and presented with a challenge that would otherwise be SO cool. You might have signed up for a challenge and now realize it’s also emotionally draining. You have the right to take care of yourself and exit a harmful situation at any time.
Okay, so you’re clear that you’re in the crucible, but you don’t want to risk your confidence while you’re in there. How do you take care of yourself while working through a challenging experience?
Strategies to Navigate the Crucible
1. Reframe the Narrative
Shift Your Perspective: Instead of viewing challenges as personal failings, see them as opportunities for growth. Not knowing something doesn’t reflect your worth; it’s a chance to learn. (There’s a LOT of value in being a leader who asks excellent questions.)
2. Make a Plan
Ask yourself: “To get through this challenge successfully, what do I need to learn, do, or become?” Make a list or mindmap of everything you can think of - these are the development goals to focus on. Then, focus on your resources; how can you get 10% closer to the goals you just identified?
3. Build a Support Network
Surround yourself with people who uplift and support you. Who are your mentors? Peers who can help you? If you want to connect with other queer leaders who are ALL ABOUT supporting one another, join me for group coaching! You can check out a session for free here.
4. Practice Self-Compassion
Treat yourself with the same compassion and understanding you would offer a friend. When faced with a big challenge, I like to write a pep-talk note to myself before I get started. Then, when I start doubting myself, the pick-me-up I need is right there.
5. Set Boundaries
When we’re in the crucible, it can be easy to overwork! I promise you, you won’t win this challenge if you burn out. Take care of your physical and mental health. Regular movement, adequate sleep, and activities that bring joy are must-haves. (BTW, if you’re starting to feel burned out, please check out my friend Taj’s work at Rooted Respite.)
6. Don’t Do It Alone!
You know you don’t have to be alone in that crucible, right? I LOVE coaching leaders working through significant challenges; I have SO MANY tools and strategies to support you! Incidentally, a big-time leadership growth moment is a GREAT time to ask your organization to sponsor you by paying for your coaching. I’ve got a great guide on how to make that ask, and I’m always happy to help you strategize!